WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
