update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
