I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
