I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
