She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
