Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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