I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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