he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
