You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
