Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
