walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
