Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
