Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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