how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
