someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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