Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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