Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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