Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
