my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
