She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
