Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
