My friends, they love my intelligence
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
