i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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