It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
