I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
