I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
