just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
