The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
