so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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