glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
