you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Randomize
