What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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