Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
