I faked an abortion last night.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
