life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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