party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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