i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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