at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
