Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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