you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
