Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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