Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
