I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
