I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
