The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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