If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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