Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
