wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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