i think i have two assholes
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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