So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
