so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
